Sharing thoughts from general conference

Dear Ali-Jo,

I had to pause the first session of General Conference as I listened to President Uchtdorf's talk so that I could jot down some thoughts. There seems to be no better place to jot them down than to share them with you. Prepare for disconjointed rambling:

For one thing, I know the gospel and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true! I am so grateful for it and have no problem or hesitation crediting my activity in the church to every good thing I have and have experienced in my life. That being said, I have also found it difficult to really feel the absolute joy and happiness people talk about when they talk of sharing the gospel and what it has meant to them. This leads me to wondering why I can see all the benefits in my life but sometimes in personal ways don't feel them as much. This has actually really bothered me a lot through the years as I have desired and prayed for that sense of happiness and excitement that others talk about.

President Uchtdorf's talk hit me. But first, so did working out this week. It actually was last night in the gym. I have been trying to do 200 pushups and 200 sit-ups every day this week on top of my regular weight lifting routine. As with any of the long duration physical activities, especially running, I hate it. I shouldn't say I hate it but there is a point about half way through where my mind gets fixed on "I've got X amount left." Somehow this thought becomes the center of my mind and I get huge anxiety. Progress seems to be forever when I'm counting down "I have 100 left, now 99 left, now 98 left...this is taking forever! That's too many left. I want none left." I get more and more worked up and anxious and hopeless about finishing. So anyways, last night I realized I started doing something different. I started focusing on my form simply because I wanted to get the best workout and get better. But this simple focus change from counting to just my form and feeling my stomach doing sit-ups or my arms in pushups etc removed that anxious feeling. In essence I was concentrating on the next pushup "lets see if I can get better form on the next one. I think I should contract my muscles more. That was a good one, I think I can do that again". Before I knew it, I finished!

Then last night, watching The Martian, in the end Mark, or Matt Damon, was describing how he got through it and said "do thoughts come through like 'I'm going to die'? Yes. But you don't focus on that. You focus on one problem at a time. And one you solved that problem, you solve the next one. And then the next one, and the next one and so on until you made it."

Now getting back to the talk. President Uchtdorf stated that to get all we can get from the gospel we need to 1. simplify the gospel and 2. start where you are at. I appreciate the last one because this is my hangup I believe. I focus too much on the big picture (a trait that I have for a long time also considered my strength) and get overwhelmed by it. I also place some of my personal value of the judgements of others like "I'm not friendly enough". But instead if like doing pushups I just focus on the thing in front of me next, one thing at a time then life is simpler, I get better results in the moment, I'm not burdened with what's in the future, and one problem at a time, I move forward.

Also, I've been reading the pride talk this week by President Benson. I feel I have pride but it is hard for me to pinpoint where and how. One thing, like I mentioned, is my tendency to base my personal value from a manmade judgement. I don't know why, but I value being funny as like one of the highest virtues you can obtain. Weird, but I put anybody with a good sense of humor on a super high pedestal. So with that, I feel less of myself because, well, my sense of humor kinda smells, literally, I think I all I have is fart jokes. All right that was kinda funny, but you know what I mean. That measurement is strictly based off a manmade judgement. I also feel really self conscious about being talkative and friendly and also my lack of remembering names and facts about random things. Still, manmade judgements. Nothing wrong with working on those things but my value isn't based upon them. President Benson says "If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgments more than men's, we will have self-esteem". President Uchtdorf also reminded us that Christ will take us as we are right now. We don't need to make any major changes first, we need to bring our weaknesses and current self to Him and He we will begin to change us. And weaknesses are there for a reason, often to make us humble and turn us to Him and so that He can at some point make our weaknesses become strengths. So I am excited that some day I will be absolutely hilarious, talkative, and with a perfect memory - and buff!

So there's my thought. Now I'm going to go back to conference. I will try to get at writing a real letter today!

Much love....oh wait. I remembered that I was thinking of you during the talk to when he mentioned to keep the gospel simple. I thought "Ali is really good at that". And I have heard others mention in different ways that they also admire you for being able to keep things simple and without distractions. You live the gospel and magnify your callings without all the pomp and circumstance and fancy centerpieces, and stuff that people often feel they need to do to succeed in their callings. I think for many that is refreshing and begins to set a tone that others need and want to follow - to uncomplicate the gospel and do it simply for the truth of it and not for the reaction of others. So, in other words, you're awesome!

And I think we should make out!

Is that appropriate in this context? I don't know but it all seemed to flow to me...

Okay, much love!

Justice