Long overdue

Dear Favorite,

I regret that I have lost habit of writing my letters to you. Sleep seems to take over me when I lay down and words escape my mind and I feel I have nothing to write about. I suppose that's the way with anything though: we don't know where to start until we just start. So here I go...

Today was a nice lazy Saturday. Yet I'm completely exhausted! That's mostly because we just finished our soccer game. We won! Finally. Score was 4-2 and some of our goals were bogus but we forge ahead in the playoffs. Bummer is the game is tomorrow (Sunday) so I won't be playing. I also feel guilty because, despite winning, I left the game upset because I didn't get any good shots at goal. That's a pretty selfish way of playing and so I feel bad but I just love to play so much that playing to me is more important than winning. Kind of backwards. I guess that's why I never made it in competitive sports. Having a "hey guys, let's play" attitude wasn't competitive enough. Besides soccer, I worked on my personal statement for pedo and worked out. We had some training this morning but otherwise I starred at the computer for several hours and daydreamed, read about exercises, and briefly shopped from some home exercise equipment. I'm really getting into this exercise thing, not in a crazy get ripped or huge way, but just want to be consistent and make it a part of my life. I have daydreams that we could kind of do it together and it could be, you know, our thing. A thing? It just seems fun to have an exercise buddy and to motivate each other and push each other. I find there are so many parallels of exercise to life and it builds on many life qualities. So I guess I'm truing to sell you on buying some home gym stuff but knowing our lives and schedule, if we don't do it at home, we won't do it together. Just saying.

Something I realized this week that I made a note to write about was focusing on the problem or weakness of myself or others (like my kids) doesn't work or help. I think what that means (I don't even really know what I mean) is that drawing attention to one's faults backfires. I find that in myself I often do this. I don't do it out of "whoa is me, I'm no good" (though I have been a culprit of that too) but generally out of "this I'm no good at and I need to be better." Sounds good enough and for years I have held on to that thought. I feel if we are just real about ourselves and acknowledge what we need to work on we can work our way out of it and get better. But for some reason the same weaknesses I have now I had 10 years ago. So why? Why can't we just pinpoint our weak points and then fix them? Why is it when I or someone identifies faults in others, even with kindness and love and concern so they can target those faults themselves and improve, not help? Looking back I know I have told some of our kids many times that acting selfishly will lose them friends and relationships and to build relationships they need to think of others. What I have recognized is that saying that causes them to look inward more and thereby becoming more self centered. So what's the bottom line? The bottom line I feel is....I really don't know. It doesn't actually make sense to me yet. I have held onto this belief for so long that "just fix your problems". But problems don't go away. I can see that targeting problems in others goes against the grain and maybe only is received by a select few like competitive athletes or the like that are driven to succeed. For the rest, we just build of their strengths. I guess I'm not at the level to target weaknesses yet either and just need to focus on my strengths as well. In fact, a gym analogy kind of comes to mind just writing that. There are certain compound movements that make the core of lifts to build strength while other lifts are just accessories to the core ones. For instance, everyone wants big biceps so they go to the preacher curls to get big biceps. But the biceps are a small muscle set that when worked alone, don't get great results. Instead, before going to curls, one needs to do more compound movements that targets multiple major muscle groups to create a foundation including triceps, the larger set of muscles that are really what make the arm look bigger. Once that foundation is set, then you can fine tune it by adding in some accessory lifts...like the preacher curl. See what I mean...so many analogies. Anyways, much rambling and words but perhaps we nit-pick at the little stuff and dwell on improving them when we need to work on our underlying strengths first. Then we can fine tune later. Well, that at least makes sense for now.

The other point to go with that which I feel I mentioned before, is the Atonement. Something I feel I neglect in my efforts of improving. I firmly believed and maybe still cling on to perhaps, that we can through brute effort and force work our way through our problems and weaknesses. But life is designed in such away that even after all the brute effort you can possible muster, it isn't enough. In the end, the only means of true change is through the divined mercy and grace that comes through the Atonement and by Christ. This is something we need to remember and teach our children as we seek to improve ourselves and our family. In the end, Christ is the only way for change.

So lots of deep stuff coming at ya. It's been a hard but good past couple weeks. Honestly being away from you has been a roller coaster. Checking my feelings has been a constant struggle. Without having you physically near is difficult and though I want and our goal is to develop our relationship in more ways, i.e. emotionally, spiritually, I feel further from you and a loss of a connection to you so to speak. It is somewhat weird that by pausing our physical and intimate aspect of our relationship I feel more distanced and withdrawen from you. Of course, I love you more than ever and I think there is just going to be a lag or gap before our emotional and spiritual parts catch up. But that also means that this is a critical time where temptation lurks and it is imperative not to give up. Again, with exercise analogy ;), there is a lag between the exercise and gains. But consistency is key! I believe in us and I know that we have the Lord who believes in us too. With support like that, we haven't any reason to fail!

I really appreciate your suggestion of the conference talk regarding 'ponderizing'. I already feel it has made a difference in my week so far. As I told you my scripture of choice is Galations 5:16-18 which says (I'm going from memory here so no promises): "This I say unto, walk in the Spirit and ye shall not fulfill the lusts of the Flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh, these are contrary one to the other, so that ye can not do the things ye would. But if ye shall live by the Spirit ye are not under the law." That may not be 100%. I'm trying to memorize it. But I love the constant reminder to walk in the Spirit and the promise that doing so will protect me from falling prey to the natural man. I appreciate the reminder that the two are direct opposition to each other and you can't follow one and also do the other. Also living by the Spirit creates freedom that frees you from the burden of living under a law and being subject to the burdens of being managed but you live above it and at a higher plane.

So I miss you. I want you to know that I'm hopelessly, helplessly, pathetically attached to you. You can call me whipped or whatever you want, I don't care. I will do whatever it takes for you and all the world fades away in my periphery and you stay the focus of my being (that should be a song lyric). But that is true. My family is my everything and I really on you (in addition to my testimony of the gospel) as the source of meaning and value to my life. You define me and certainly the better part of me. More confession: I feel very self conscious about not being fun or funny or talkative enough. I don't ever want to make you bored and feel unhappy. I want so desperately to put a smile on your face and make you laugh. This has been one of those faults I have dwelt on for years. I ask, be patient with me, I admire that even in silent moments of sitting next to each other I can feel deep love and closeness to you. I love the times we can talk and laugh and be silly and I feel exceptionally close to you in these moments as well. But what i'm saying is I want you to be happy and to be happy now and throughout our life together. I want our happiness to spread to our children and our happiness to become contagious.

But if I keep writing I'm certain to bore you and suck all happiness by reading such a never ending letter of random rambling gooble gosh.

I will try to write again soon to prevent such novels.

You are still and always my favorite,

Love

Justice